Ungrateful

I'm feeling swarmed.

I'm not good with happy mediums. I strive for them, but they are always just out of reach. I seem to be up up up or down down down. This change can come within 30 minutes. And as a result, i find myself too often in situations i don't want to be in. The alternative is being a bitch, or (my preferred method) avoidance.

I don't know how to express how i feel without sounding like a bitch who can't appreciate that people like her. But that is sort of how i do feel. Like i stick my neck out a little and be nice to people and suddenly they want to suck me in and have access to me 24/7, and pop in and hang out and smoke dope and drink coffee or make plans....

i can't do it!

I am trying to achieve a foot-hold here. I do want to meet new people, i do want to do new things, i do want to be social but why does everybody always seem to take over? It's exhausting, and it just makes me want to be an anti-social hermit. It makes me turn my phone off, ignore my doorbell and keep the curtains drawn. It makes me lie.

Mainly it makes me cringe. I have been trying to clean my place, really clean it and organize myself here for months. I am the only one to blame for the lack of progress. If it is sunny, i forego the housework for the lounge chair. If I am rich, i forego the dishes for the record store. And so it goes. But i get to a point where it's not an option, or a joke anymore. I need my space to myself for more than 4 hours at a time so that i can live here and move forward and not feel so freaked out about not getting my own life accomplished. Hanging out is fun, and i am glad people like me, but sometimes i just have to say no. Maybe that's because I'm cranky and i just want to have a bath, maybe it's because cleaning my toilet actually IS more important to me than dollar drinks at the dome. Maybe I'm just not that into you.

Fuck. I can't even buy a gram of weed in less than an hour. Shouldn't I be able to get off work, want a puff, call the dude, get the stuff and carry on with my night? No. I even have my life worked out so that exchange can take the better part of a day when your day starts late in the morning and ends in the mid-afternoon.

And to top it all off, mr. neighborhood cutie pants was spied carrying a picture of a girl in his wallet.

And that, my friends, is why I'm the Queen of the Underground. It's the only place for some respite, and even here it is tough to get sometimes.